tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
My vagina is very pro this idea
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
