You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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