wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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