nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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