.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
