I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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