FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
