wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
