He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
