Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
