I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
