I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
