she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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