I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
