If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You can't just leave with hair like that
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
