dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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