Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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