Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
