It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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