seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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