Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I can't turn off my feet"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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