No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
