I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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