I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
