Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
