Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
