The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
