do herpes really smell.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
