And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
