Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
