K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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