awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
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Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
me + whiskey = a bad person
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And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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