Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My bed smells like the plague
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
This toilet bowl is my home.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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