I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
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What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
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So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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