He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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