He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
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And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
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I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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