Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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