you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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