My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....