one might say we're banned from that church
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.