My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?