Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.