the vacuum is drunk
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
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Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
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its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos