did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
