if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
