your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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