I just threw up on my dentist
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
