When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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