I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
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Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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