Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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