she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
