you win again, gameday.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
