can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
