just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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