its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
