what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
