My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
