dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
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