and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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